We are 6 weeks old now! (No entries for the weekend at all)

Day 39 - October 26, 2006

Today's entries are not particularly long as I am running a bit behind today and it's already almost 1pm as I start the kitten diary entries for the day but fortunately the main chores are out of the way i.e. all the floors have been hoovered, mopped and carpet cleaned, litter trays have all been done, babies have been fed (more than once!) and the washing is under control :)

Our Gamblers are not doing too badly at all at the moment. Their appetites, for the most part, are very good and it is rare that one of them won't eat which is a good thing although a couple of the kittens are still incredibly small. Despite their size though, all 5 Gamblers are incredibly active. After I gave them their breakfast this morning I went back downstairs to get a plate of food to feed Toussaint as well. After feeding Toussaint her breakfast, I came back into the upstairs hallway and spied some Black children creating absolute havoc, not only in the book case, but also playing "tag" in and around one of the wooden units in the kitten room.

Day 38 - October 25, 2006

I can say, quite truthfully, that today I am feeling a bit better emotionally, and today I have been able to smile at the Gambler's antics. Boule is still at the back of my mind but I know she is in a better place now and I now have to put everything I have again into our other children. Poker has the poor Burps running for their lives I'm afraid to say. He just a bundle of energy, always wanting to play, and he is going to be so very mischievous. When he has been awake and playing, he seems to spend an awful lot of time either chasing the Burps (and yes, despite their size, they do run from from him), or trying to entice them to wrestle with him. I can't quite understand the Burps hesitation to get involved with him, unless it is that incredibly wicked glint in his eyes, the sort that only Red series cats are capable of. None of our Gamblers are eating the kitten biscuits yet, but I am hoping they will start soon. Their appetite though are quite good and no matter what I put on the plates in front of them now, they all happily eat with no hesitation. Roulette loves playing with toys, much more than any of the other babies. She is one of those girls at the moment who is happy to either play on her own, or when the mood takes her, she will join in with everyone else for wrestling matches and limb biting games. She isn't quite as brave as her brother, but she's not too far behind him. I must admit that I do love looking at her because she is a miniature of her beautiful mum and reminds me of just how small Drambuie was when she was this age. Rightly or wrongly, our 3 Black babies, Blackjack, Baccarat and Two Up all have identical personalities at the moment. They love to play, but they bound around aimlessly with no actual purpose in mind half the time. They honestly do not know where they are going, or why they are running and skipping in these directions. But they enjoy running and skipping, so they do a lot of it. Those 3 are still much more talkative than everyone else. They are forever babbling on about something, in their own special baby talk, which no one but the mother seems to understand and they still shout at me for cuddles and to be picked up, or to be fed.

Day 37 - October 24, 2006

Before I even start this entry, I would like to thank a few people for their support yesterday. My best mate, and breeding mentor, Teen, as well as Tone and Val, for their emails, Bev of Fenview Cattery for taking the time to send me a comforting email and for offering her support and love, Dawn, one of our newest kitten families (Fanta will be sharing his home with Dawn and her family), my very dear friend Maureen for her PM, and Eunice of Samandjon Siamese for her pm as well. Also, many, many thanks to our wonderful friends on Siamese Cat Chat, particularly Angela who had read the diaries yesterday and was thoughtful enough to leave a message of sympathy. Thank you to each of our wonderful cat chat members for your love and for your compassion. I will reply to all the lovely emails I have had, and I will put a reply on the board, but maybe not today, I am still struggling to deal with my loss and I don't know that I have the emotional strength at the moment to reply because honestly, I would just be in tears constantly but please do know that all you have said is greatly appreciated and is a comfort. Thank you also to those very kind people, some of whom I do not actually know, who took the time to send me an email expressing their condolences.

Even today, I am still finding it difficult and emotionally I am not in a great place right now, yet life does go on. For any of you who have ever loved and lost a fur child, you know that the loss remains with you always. I still look for my angel when I enter the kitten room, fully expecting to see her come trotting up to me with that glint in her eyes. Going in and out of the room yesterday was incredibly hard although to be honest, I spent most of the day in a daze, I accomplished very little, I buried our little baby, and I quite literally did what needed to be done, without even realising I was doing it I think. I have got to pick myself up and keep going because the rest of our beautiful babies all depend on me for love, attention, and more importantly in their minds, food :) We have had a bit of a change in the kitten room which actually occurred in the early hours of the morning when we lost Boule. As you know I had taken her into the kitten room, but then brought her back out and I must have forgotten to close the door. At about 6am yesterday morning, I realised that Cointreau and the Burps had all moved back into the kitten room. They were sharing beds, sharing food, and the Burps are well impressed at having so many more new playmates. I honestly did not have it in me to evict the Burps from the room although the size difference between the 2 litters does concern me in case one of the Burps accidentally harms a Gambler whilst they are playing. Drambuie was more than happy to have Cointreau and her children in the room and appears to be enjoying her extended family. They have all gotten on incredibly well, despite the age difference and the size difference, so last night, I did leave them all in there to sleep togethe however last night I did not close up the door to the kitten room, it was left open so that the babies could all come and go as they please. The only problem with that was this morning, I did sleep in a little and was awakened to the sounds of the Burps screaming at the top of their voices, demanding food. So the moment I opened the bedroom door, this mob of babies surrounded me which makes it very difficult to actually walk or move. The problem really occurred when I reached the tops of the stairs to come down because as I was walking down the stairs, Two Up, Blackjack and Baccarat were right on my heels, tumbling down the stairs, getting under my feet, still screaming at me the whole time to feed them. Of course, getting back up the stairs 10 minutes later, balancing 2 large plates of food was still just as much a problem because they remained on the stairs and attempted to trip me up as I went back up to feed them. How on earth do these babies manage to move so darn fast?

Please note that the photos were taken first thing this morning, before I'd hoovered or cleaned the room and I have named all the photos simply, the Burps and/or the Gamblers to try to save a bit of time.

Day 36 - October 23, 2006 - Tragic News

Our beautiful little angel, Boule, is no longer with us. As I write this entry I am just so emotionally drained and the pain is immense. To lose any baby is difficult enough, but to lose a child that you fought so hard for is just unbearable. I went into the kitten room last night at about 10pm to feed the kids again and I knew that something was not right. Everyone, except for Boule, gathered around the plate as per normal and started feeding. Boule crouched down beside the plate of food, all hunched over, and went to the toilet. I moved the food, picked up our little angel and looked into her eyes and that was when I knew that we didn't have much time left together. Boule had given up the fight and you can always tell when this is the case because it is so very evident when they look into your eyes. I was just totally devastated. My baby girl had fought bloody hard for 5 weeks and had been so courageous, she may have been tiny, but she had inner strength and courage, and that, with love, is what kept her with me for all this time. It just broke my heart to see the look in her eyes, she had finally had enough, her body couldn't take it any more and she needed to sleep now. At about 10:30pm I brought her into our bedroom, she rested in my hands, against my body and she lay there, motionless but still alive, content to be with me, and preparing in her own mind I guess, for what was about to come. At about midnight, I took her into the kitten room in case she wanted to be with her mum and her brothers and sisters, I made her up a little bed next to the radiator and she just lay there. Sadly, Drambuie didn't want to know her anymore. After a few minutes, I took her back into our room because there was no way our little angel was going to die on her own, alone, and frightened. From here, I don't know what to say to be honest. I can not describe the next 5 hours and what we went through. She lay in her little bed, on my lap, while I stroked her, kissed her, held her paws, talked to her and prayed. Again I found it so difficult to say to our baby that it was okay and she could go and that there was no need to stay any more. There were better things waiting for her just over Rainbow Bridge. It was all lies, because for me, it wasn't okay, it still isn't okay, but I had to let her pass peacefully, not feeling any guilt at leaving me behind. To sit there for over 5 hours and watch a baby die is simply the hardest thing in the world, to be there with her, to comfort her, to love her, while she was leaving just broke my heart. She was my little baby girl and I struggled to say goodbye to her. At approximately 5:30am, little Boule was no longer with us. Her spirit had passed to Rainbow Bridge and I know she is at peace now, she is happily playing with the rest of the Schimmel family who are no longer with us and she will grow strong there and be happy. For me, I have been left with a pain that is unbearable, to go into the kitten room and not see my little angel is tearing me apart. She was always the first to come running to greet me, screaming to be picked up and cuddled and fed, and even though our other Gamblers still do this, I feel so incredibly empty inside because the one I am looking for is no longer there. I feel very blessed to have known this little girl, because let me tell you, she was one of a kind, a little monkey, a cherub, a terror, all rolled into one, the most precious little girl you could ever hope to meet, but I feel as if I have been robbed because she was taken from us after such a very, very, short time here on earth.

Day 35 - October 22, 2006

Today again, I am so sorry, but there are no photos. Tomorrow, I will be back to normal! As we were away all of yesterday afternoon, and early evening, it means I am very behind in everything here in the house. We have also been busy settling in our beautiful new Bengal kitten, Frangelico.

Teen and I were chatting today on the phone (nothing new in that) about the Gamblers, and of course Teen's beautiful new girl, Roulette, however, I also brought up the subject again of our Black children. Although it is mainly Boule and Two Up, and not Blackjack and Baccarat, but again, the size is the issue. As Teen said to me, as has everyone else who has met them, they are incredibly healthy babies. Eyes are bright, coats are glossy, they are very energetic, very active, but they are incredibly tiny. Teen feels that they are just slow starters and I am just hoping and praying she is right. They are however, "little buggers" as Tony insists on saying and honestly, they give me such a headache when I spend a long time with them in the kitten room. Mainly because they all talk non stop, generally at the tops of their voices. We have had noisy babies before, as well as noisy litters, but the Gamblers win first prize for being the most vocal kittens we have ever had. They are actually ready to be given access to the whole upstairs of the house now, as well as the stairs, but so far I have not done this yet. Mainly because a couple of them are so very small and I am worried that there will be an accident. I know I am being over protective, more so than their own mother is because when they do escape from the kitten room, Drambuie leaves them to it to wander around. I, on the other hand, open the absolutely brilliant, marvellous, amazing, sliding door, purposely built by Tony so that the kittens can come in and out, and when they escape as I'm trying to get in the door, I open the sliding compartment and stuff them back through there :) Maybe tomorrow, I think?, I will open their door and let them in and out to explore as they please. Well, at least that is the plan. Yes I am sounding very indecisive today, but I am so very tired and already it's 2pm and I still have mountains of washing to get through. So I had better end this entry here before I start rambling on and start making even less sense than usual!